Thursday, April 22, 2010

Guatemala in Paperback

I’ve been thinking about writing my own Guatemalan/Totonicapán/Santa María Chiquimula/Xebe travelers guide book. Something like, A Dummies Guide to Guatemala. However, the only part I have so far are the bullet points that will be on the back cover that are always followed by exclamation points(!) As a lame attempt to inspire people to come visit me, some of these won’t be understood unless you have been here to learn them for yourself. Tempting, huh? Here’s what I’ve got so far:

• Learn what it’s like to be a tall person in a short person’s country! Also, the best remedies for leg cramps and head bumps!
• Learn how to eat using a corn tortilla as your only utensil!
• Pay 1/8 of a dollar for a bus ride that would cost a $100 entrance fee at an amusement park in the U.S.!
• Get “Fijese qued!”
• Learn first hand how depressing life is without basketball!
• See awesome T-shirts worn by tough- guy Guatemalans oblivious to their English message that say things like, “Softball: A Game Invented by Man, Perfected By Woman!”
• Learn how to cover up for your bad cooking by smothering your food in hot sauce!
• Learn how to ride in the back of a pickup truck on a bumpy rode without getting ass bruise!
• Learn how to ask questions you already know the answer to just to keep the conversation going and avoid awkward moments!
• Learn what traje goggles are!
• Learn deep breathing relaxation techniques for when the same song that you passionately hate comes on the fifth time in a one hour bus ride!
• Learn why I giggle every time I hear the plural of the word “chapin” and why Guatemalans don’t get it!
• Learn how to act like nothing is out of the ordinary when a 45 year- old woman is nursing a 6 year- old kid and having a conversation with you at the same time!

Also, I will title this book, The Times They Aren’t A-Changin.’